Thupakki – give me a break!

You do not go into a Vijay movie expecting a complex plotline and some intense performances – You go for eight songs (two shot in Switzerland), four fights and anti-climax/climax scenes. Thupakki, while of course entertaining, takes clichés to another level altogether.

First twenty minutes – the hero’s ‘better than gold’ image is re-iterated. He works for the Army, and in case you did not get that, he comes home in his uniform, even when he is on a vacation. Despite being in the Army and getting brain-fried every single day, he gathers enough energy to do a hero-introduction number (in a banian) and cheer fellow Army men. Then, he meets a girl in a traditional ‘ponnu-pakkal’ ceremony , but decides that their ‘tastes’ do not match, within five seconds of seeing her.

But, of course there comes a completely unexpected twist – he meets her again!! How the hell do people run into the same people over and over again? I have run into exactly ten people in my entire life. After some facepalm jokes and the girl re-establishing her pristine, virginal image, he falls for her. Mumbai girl in shorts, who has never kissed/touched another man, never smoked, and has had just one sip of ‘vodka’ -  totally convinced.

Then, there is a muslim terrorist, one sidekick policeman who is a goof-up, and loving family who does not know that Vijay is not just an Army man but also a secret intelligence agent – oh holy mother of all surprises. Terrorists in this movie do not believe in codes. They message like friends. ‘Activate Plan B’ ’when are the guns coming’ ‘all ok with blasts?’ and just so that we understand that they are using private numbers , each time the head terrorist (who btw is really hot) calls his juniors, ‘Non-trackable number’ flashes on the cellphone screens.

Terrorists are more subtle, have excellent deduction powers and have better plans in the movie. Vijay and his group of minions on the other hand, wear suits, stand in the middle of crowded areas, point and loudly say to each other ‘shoot him’ ‘follow him’. Totally discreet secret agents. The climax is another 20 long minutes of facepalmery.

Hot terrorist asks for last wish before killing Vijay, and the hero demands that he be beaten to death. An ego-filled terrorist then removes Vijay’s handcuffs and beats him black and blue. Then, when you are getting ready to cry your eyes out and leave the theatre thinking this is the end of world – a completely out-of-world twist comes. Vijay self-repairs his body. His face, going through several mini-orgasms, erm spasms, helps the rest of the body repair broken bones automatically. Then, of course hero saves the world from terrorist attacks. End of story.

Oh, hell no! What’s a climax without melodrama? All Army men leave together, back to Kashmir.  People are seen crying, newly-wed Army men hugging wives, newborn babies tugging at their daddy’s shirts for one last time, and more such gut-wrenching scenes. At this point, my friend said ‘Are they going to Hogwarts? Same train they come in, same train they go back in?’

I rest my case.