2015 in review

The year 2015 didn’t really start on a great note. I got hurt, got my entire extended family hurt, and ended up feeling like the biggest fool on the planet. But then, I survived. Once I cut out the toxicity, I was able to quite magically recover, almost instantaneously.

Somewhere down the year, I learnt to smile again. Be myself again. Be funny, be loved, and be great at what I do for a living. I learnt to drive. Went for long drives by myself. Treated myself to a vacation with some amazing friends. Met new people. Made new friends.

A few months later, self-healing in the form of reiki reached me. What started off as a one-time, what’s the harm in trying project, has now become a permanent part of my life. The positivity, the ability to react to situations without getting too emotional, and to heal myself and heal others has been quite a life-changing experience.

And then I started running. With marathoners. Alongside passionate runners. Though it happened by pure chance, I got hooked. I loved the runs. I loved Cubbon Park in the mornings. The sweaty realizations. The calm determination to keep up with the others. The painful stretches afterward. I fell in love.

I moved out. I moved to a bigger, more beautiful place. Closer to work, but more importantly closer to peace. The quiet of the new place has instilled a new sense of peace within myself. A close friend is now a mother. A closer friend is well on her way to become one. I have become a proud aunt this year.

I have always wanted to see snow. I have grown tired waiting for someone who will take me there. And so I am going to the Himalayas. I have never gone on a vacation by myself, let alone an arduous trek. But by the end of 2015, I would have those two items crossed off my bucket list.

So, in conclusion, I would say the year turned out pretty amazing. Life remains beautiful.

I wonder

The finality of death scares me. It is like reading the last chapter of your favorite book. As it slams shut, so does your complete identity. What you liked, how you talked, who you hated, how you laughed.

You are just a mere reconstructed memory. Sometimes glorified, sometimes damned, but mostly forgotten.

Sometimes, I wonder how it would be if I knew you were slipping away to the other side of the rainbow.

Would I have kept up the promise of laying with you on a bed of grass, watching planes roar above our heads? Would I have talked about my dreams and your fears? Would I have not just laughed heartily at your jokes but also comforted you in your dread? Would I have given you a goodbye hug instead of a nonchalant wave, the last time we had dinner together? Would I have been more me if I had known you only had 10 more days here?   

I wonder.

Quest

You are not pretty. In a moment of weakness, when the masks come off, get a glimpse of your soul. Your very own selfish, ugly soul baring its teeth, threatening to take you down with it.

But that is the truth. You are ugly. You want to be loved. You want to be wanted. Your cry hoarse about rainbows and unicorns and burnt-orange sunsets. And then you turn away and start building those infamous walls around yourself. One brick a day.

Your pillow, damp with sweat and tears, stands testimony to how much cowardice you have dedicated your life to. All the times that might have been. All that intimacy, you would gladly trade for a lollipop. And all those dreams, rising up above you; finding better places to be realized.

Are you really that delusional? The invisible bear on your back has put on weight. Coiling under a blanket does not help anymore. Stop being such a mucking foron. And hope again for that whiff of passion. That dark lining on the silver sky. Those fruity kisses. The slow waltzes. And once again, those saccharine sweet summers. 

Failure

There are a few days when you feel like a complete moron for asking inane questions at workplace.  Over the last few years, I have come to realize that it is okay to feel that way. It is okay to ask stupid questions. It is okay if you get judgmental looks for sounding so dumb. It is okay to be rejected. It is okay to feel worthless. And it is perfectly okay to fall face first. Because, if you stop failing, you stop learning. If you stop feeling worthless, you will never be able to push yourself. If you do not cry, you can never appreciate the happy times.

Today, I begin to feel stupid. Today, I begin learning. Once again.

I don't

Yesterday, for the first time in 25 years, I was judged for who I am not. I was forced to be apologetic for who I am. I was expected to hang my head in shame for doing something that kept my conscience in the clear. I was hated for standing my ground. I was not loved any more for actually making something of myself instead of sitting inside kitchens. And I resent it. I completely resent it. If this is what it takes to 'settle down' and actually 'start living', then maybe it is not worth it. Do I really need a 'social event' to validate my success or show to the world how happy I am? I don't. 

A b'lore night

Bangalore is beautiful at night. Minus the noise, minus the chaos, minus the confusion – Bangalore is beautiful at night. As my work cab trudges along seamlessly along the smooth roads, there are so many sights and sounds to behold. The man with his midnight-foodstall hoping for one last customer before he can shut shop, men and women who come out of their office for a  smoke-break, a lone couple holding hands, and the doggies on the street gearing up for gang wars.

Flickering street lamps, orange traffic lights, cruising cars that make the most use of empty roads, near-empty bus stands, twinkling temple bulbs, a lone Bollywood number playing on a TV set somewhere,  a pressure cooker whistle, and a howling dog.

Massive trucks that honk endlessly,  a sad ambulance without its siren,  a man taking his dog for a walk, pungent smell of garbage, a hotel kitchen prepping for the morning, scavenging birds,  a lone cow, and distant laughter.

There is hope for a better tomorrow. There is joy in the night that is ending. There is peace on the quiet roads. It makes you feel all alone. And somehow, it is not too bad. Bangalore is beautiful at night. 

Do not speak the truth

I was reminded of these lines that I learnt in my sixth standard Sanskrit lessons a few days ago:

satyam brūyat_priyam brūyan_na brūyāt_satyam_apriyam ।

priyam cha nānṛitam brūyādéṣha dharmaḥ sanātanaḥ

Manu talks about Sanatana Dharma in the verse. The translation ' Say what is true, say what is sweet, but do not say what is true but not sweet, nor say what is sweet but not true. This is the perennial wisdom.' (courtesy: blog.practicalsanskrit.com)

In essence, he says do not speak harsh truths or (more dangerous) sweet lies. This knowledge was imparted by my teacher, when I was very young, and too naive to grasp what it actually embodied. However, the verse stuck on to me and I have followed this philosophy all my life.

What is truth? It's purpose is not merely to set the speaker free, but also to empower the listener. If a truth is being said just to clear the speaker's conscience, but adds absolutely no value to the listener, or goes to the extent of hurting them, then it should not be told.

For instance, let's assume that a friend, after saving up some money from his first job, buys you a gift, which you do not particularly like, what would you do? You could either bluntly state the truth and say that you did not like the gift, or choose to say nothing at all, and accept it graciously. Here, the gift is not just a mere material indulgence, it has a strong emotional undertone because it has been brought out of love. It has been chosen carefully and has been given to you with respect and love. In such a case, the truth becomes obsolete. If you still chose to speak the truth, then it is equivalent to using the truth as a tool to satisfy a very selfish purpose – putting your mind at ease.

Truth is powerful. It can set you free sometimes, but it can also shatter the world around you. I believe you can brutally honest to yourself and to others too,  as long as your truth does not harm them. Once, I was travelling to a friend's place for dinner. She had come all the way from the UK and was calling a select group of friends for some dinner at home. She had started cooking for all of us as soon as she had woken up that day and even kept text messaging her attempts at making dinner. In short, she was excited to have us over. However, I reached late because I started late and as a result got caught in the traffic jam. Now, when asked why I had reached so late, I could have said 'I started late' or 'I got caught in traffic'. While the first one is the truth, the second reason is partially a white lie. 

If I told her that I had started late, it would be truthful. It would set me free. It would help me enjoy the rest of the evening, but it would upset her. It would amount to her thinking that she was cooking for someone who did not even appreciate her time (which was never true). It would ruin her end of the evening. In such cases, does it really make sense for a person to know the truth? It does not do her good, it does not do anyone good - it probably teaches me to start ten minutes early next time I go to her house.  So, doesn't it make sense for me to hide under the white lie and keep everyone happy? 

So, each time I want to pass a comment on what I really think of a shirt someone is wearing, on why a friend is holding onto the past, on why a certain idea will never work out - I think. I think several times. Will speaking the truth help the person in the smallest way possible? If not, I do not shy away from saying a white lie and repeating it, if happiness is the solace the person is seeking.

I will remember you..

I still remember the first time I heard this song. Sitting quietly on the backseat of a car, overcome with so much emotion, and fighting away tears that were threatening to spill out.

As I struggled to look out of the window, to listen to the sounds outside, watch people pass by, anything but listen to this soulful music, anything to prolong bursting out into tears …

A  strong hand reached out.

A gentle yet firm hand clasped mine, entwining my feeble fingers, trying to invigorate and renew my hope. I resisted  the move first, but in my desperate need,  for a companion who understood and enjoyed the song as much as I did, I surrendered.

I surrendered to the music, to the hand, to the moment – and for a few minutes, I thought the music would last forever. Or did I think the hand I was holding on to, with my dear life, would remain forever?

The song was over in a couple of minutes, the loving hand stayed on for a while…

And then the music ended.

Silver jubilee celebrations

I know I am a bit too old to be talking about birthday celebrations, but who cares, I just turned 25 :) 

I am officially over the hill and my folks might soon give up their quest for finding my knight in shining armour :) I am closer to 26, and eventually closer to 30 too! 

I know this is just another day and just another year, but when the clock struck 12 and I looked around, all I could see were faces that meant the world to me. I still haven't figured out what I want to do, I have made a  lot of mistakes in choosing jobs, I still have to save up tons of money, but if there is one thing I have done right in all these 25 years, it is making the right friends.

Cheers!

What matrimonial sites do to you

When family friends, acquaintances, relatives, and the teacher aunty next-door (who by the way has been stuck in a terrible marriage for more than three decades), failed to set me up with a boy of their dreams, my parents finally took the plunge and signed me up for an online match-making portal. Online matrimonial sites are single-handedly the reason for me losing complete faith in humanity. Why you ask? Well, this is what they do to you:

1. They paint a perfect picture of happiness, joy, and love that will come to you if you make the decision to get married. For instance, look at that girl’s face – she is probably thinking, ‘I can’t believe I landed this dumb modeling assignment’.

But what does the website want us to believe? – ‘I am so effin happy because I found my knight in shining armor here, because that’s what knights do after they finish their rounds of horseback-riding and killing witches’

2. They want you to believe that the possibility of finding the ‘one’ is just a few clicks away. Phrases like how a ‘relationship manager’ could help you find your ‘life partner’ for a ‘premium price’ are thrown at you randomly to make you feel like a complete idiot for not signing up earlier.

3. They somehow manage to convince your ‘tambrahm’ folks that this is the next best thing after filter kaapi and The Hindu of course. Sample a typical conversation that I have with my mom:

Amma: Tambrahmmatrimony match says 80%... What’s the problem now?

Me: I don’t like him. He is settled in the US. I don’t want to go.

Amma: 80% di. Not common.

Me: Amma…

Amma: These days, 80% rarity, girls picky, what to do…(trails away visibly upset…)

4. Increases the chances of finding the ‘one’ by separating the several million castes we have in India. Iyermatrimony, punjabimatrimony, telgumatrimony, and oh for the rich fellas we have a privilegematrimony too. Somehow I believe things would be a lot easier if the sites were classified on the basis of professions. Some examples would be -- ITmatrimony, CAmatrimony, engineersintheusawithfakeaccentsmatrimony. Some the subsites would be parentscreatedtheprofilematrimony, lookingforspeeddatingmatrimony, and oh the hypocriterebelmatrimony ( Profiles that say stuff like 'I am extrovert with a traditional outlook)

If you think, things cannot get worse, sample this:

There is a ‘Pride of the Community’ column in a popular matrimonial website that features a celebrity. Any guesses who is the pride of the Iyengar community?

Ultimate star Kamalhassan – Yes! The man who has had two failed marriages, a long string of affairs, openly declared himself as an atheist, and is now currently living in with a woman he loves. Totally the poster boy for the conservative Iyengar community.

Did I mention the ridiculous profiles on the site? There was one ass who mentioned he only wanted girls who were ‘fair or very fair’. Some other gems:

• I want a girl who knows the national language Hindi (Since when did Hindi become the national language? It is an official language goddamit)
  
• I want a flexible match in the earning group of about Rs.3 to 4 lakhs per month, or an unemployed girl from a higher income group. (Translated as: Wants only rich girls. And don’t even get me started on the ‘flexible’.)
  
• Single daughter or single daughter with male brother/s preferred. (Again translated as: Non-rich girls don’t apply)
  
• Girl should be professionally qualified, employed/willing to work, very good looking, caring, traditional but with a modern outlook, and home loving. (Erm, my son, you can only find these women in the movies or Leo coffee ads. You know, the kind who wakes up at four, takes a bath, cooks, walks around the Tulsi plant ten times, prays for husband’s well-being, and then wakes him up with coffee)
  
• I want a girl who has been well trained in domestic responsibilities. (A maid you mean?)
  
• Quiet understanding, simple, broadminded, believe in co-existing, prepared to offer love and affection, have a feel for elders, knowing fundas of cooking, reasonably english speaking & educated and employed, family minded girl. (I just couldn’t go through this profile without flinching at the irony. The ‘quiet’ understanding with a ‘feel for elders’ part is just so creepy on several levels.)

My brother finds this whole process very funny and occasionally sends me profiles with grim jokes like ‘horrorscope’ on the subject line. This list could go on and on and make me sound like an absolutely judgmental ass who thinks the world of herself. Though this description might sound perfect on some counts, I am still stopping my passive aggressive rant so as to not ruin my ‘opportunities to get married’ on the interwebz.

To a wonderful friend...

As I walked into Sify nervously, during my fresher days, the apprehension and the worry I had would vanish in a jiffy, when I saw this tall, lanky guy, with his uncombed mop of hair, drinking chaai and laughing his heart out at some lame joke he had cracked himself. That was the quintessential Syed for you – carefree, obnoxious, and impossibly funny.

He was often spotted in several places around the office, but more often, perched on the desk, right next to his best pal Sathya’s computer. With his gelled hair, and a handkerchief tied around his wrist, he would look intimidating, but the mischievous glint in his eyes, would give his innocence away. From his pastel color shirts that would evoke a string of abuses from Gauthami (the most common one being, ‘Hey Syed, you look tootiful today’), to his sarcastic one-liners that would kill Ishwarya’s stories about her team, he taught us an important life lesson – never to take it too seriously. I still very vividly remember how he would endlessly mock Anusha’s habit of straightening her hair every few minutes and managing to piss her off completely.

During my endless late night hours at work, he would often stroll by, say something really nasty about the kind of work I do or how unproductive I was being, by working extra hours - of course, I would flare up immediately and say something equally nasty back and this would continue, until both of us laughed and went our separate ways. Now when I look back, I realize that it was his way of giving me a stress buster and teaching me to take a break.

Syed was every bit a person who actually celebrated his existence on earth. He would play practical jokes, laugh loudly, and strut around the office like it belonged to him. He was no doubt the show stealer in any group. When his pal Sathya got married, he waited patiently until all the girls with their expensive sarees walked on to the stage and then mercilessly sprayed foam all over the lovely ladies. The amount of physical and verbal abuse that followed still makes me laugh uncontrollably.

His niece, Alina meant the world to him. Sending us baby pictures and videos of her every other day, he would cherish every moment spent with her. There were several days when I couldn’t help but admire the wholesome love he had for her.

Syed was someone who could instantly lighten up a tense moment, liven up a boring party, and cause commotion. And to know that he is no longer around, saddens me to no end. But, keeping in mind his spirit and the yearning he had for everything cheerful and happy, I will remember all the fun times we have had together. I know he is in a better place now, he is still happy, and is probably driving someone else nuts in another world.

I do not think he can ever be fully gone – each time we think about a joke he cracked, a photo he sent, or a prank he pulled off, he continues to live life, indomitably on his own terms. May your soul rest in peace. We love you.

Turning 24

24, an age that evokes an ‘Oh, you aren’t married yet?’ sympathetic response in all tambrahm households. In fact, this is also the favorite topic amongst the kanchipuram silk saree-clad maamis at ostentatious tambrahm weddings as well. I had the fortune to be at one a few months back, and needless to say, I had to come back home gasping for breath.

What was more shocking to most of these maamis was that the cousin who was getting married was a few months younger than me! Horrors of horrors…How could that happen? If not for the constant scratching I had to focus my attention to, thanks to the very itchy jute sari I was wearing, I would have gladly pounced at a few of these ladies. To add to the drama was an uncle of mine who accused me, “Girls can’t put too many demands like this. Good matches might just run out after a while” - and the so called ‘demand’ that I had put forth was that I didn’t want to go abroad; for the simple reason that I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life making rotis on a dependant visa, and not being able to work.

This, of course prompted my dear mother to immediately make a trip to an astrologer. The dimly lit room was filled with pictures of several gods and a huge poster of Agastya muni. Agastya’s palm had a yellow triangle coming out of it and ending in a yellow circle. Was he trying to teach geometry? Or was he advocating family planning?

In any case, any funny retorts that I was itching to say out loud were silenced by one deadly look from the mother. As the astrologer took his time, writing out predictions on a book, my dad started playing a game of Solitaire on his Notebook. Another piercing look from mommy resulted in the quiet disappearance of the laptop into its original position.

Finally the astrologer looked up and sighed very deeply. Apparently there was some very bad news. Saturn was revolving viciously around me and Uranus just decided to set up shop inside the eighth house on my horoscope. I couldn’t extract rent from that cheeky planet and I was in for a period of very bad innings. His gloomy voice predicted that I would be cheated by my own friends and get married to a complete prick if I was not careful.

I would cut my future husband up, pickle him, and probably eat him up too if I got married now. “Planet influence, what to do?’ he sighed dramatically again. He also casually mentioned that I could either get squashed under a bus or lose a limb if I was not careful. As I turned to look at my folks with mock-terror writ on my face, I could see actual-terror on theirs. I began rolling eyes and signaling towards the door, but no avail. Mom was fixated on his ’How to kill your daughter’ tips and could not be shaken.

Of course, they all came around after a few days, when he called us up to tell us that the Gods had ordered him to get basmati rice that weighed as old as I was (24 kilos), a golden thaali, and an astronomical figure as his guru dakshina – and as for me, I just look really carefully before I cross the roads. I don’t want to die under a rubber tyre, I would rather die in front of my own little garden, stroking my sleepy kitten, and reading a book... :)

I just realized....

...that I love myself :)

I was just clearing out my old mail from a long forgotten email ID and - wow what surprises it threw up. I was such a different person three years back. College projects that I so strongly believed that they would change the world, playing peacemaker between warring people in class, fighting depression myself… wow, somehow I seem to have lost that youthful stupidity now. The highly judgmental, bookish, biased opinions that I had a few years back make me cringe but also smile

I also happened to see a few mails I had forwarded to myself from my official ID when I resigned last year. All the congratulatory emails, awards, and praises that made me swell up like a bullfrog now make me laugh. I have always believed in hard work. Just as I used to burn the midnight oil for a 5 mark assignment in college, I still cannot sleep in peace, if I know I had turned in a crappy article at work. Now when I realize that all my efforts are now probably in some project manager's docket that is lying in the attic - I am forced to rethink.

So many emails and letters, flying back and forth between so many important and no so important people in my life - lashing out harsh judgments, counseling people, an occasional birthday wish, unmentionable crushes, the start of a new friendship, the sad ending….and each one of those emails made me smile. Smile and reflect on all the wise and stupid decisions I had made in the past. To cut the monologue short - Yes. I was uptight and serious, but that’s what I was and still am.

I may have given half a limb for an office assignment that meant nothing, but at least I tried. When I did get the credit, I knew I fully deserved it. I do have my weaknesses and a considerable share of mistakes, but these little imperfections define me more than my successes. Yes, I love myself :)

Maud Muller

Sometimes, when you realize that there is absolutely nothing to look forward to... there is possibly nothing that can change the quality of your life... nothing at all that can magically forward you into a 'looking back and smiling' reflective phase... the phone doesn't ring... the walls of your house echo your angst... you fight your tears away...a faraway cry reminds you of something that never was...

“For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been.' - from the poem "Maud Muller" by John Greenleaf Whittier

P.S: I hate this poet...he depressed me to no end. Read the full poem and spread the cheer :X

Little deeds of joy, little deeds of kindness...

It is surprising how we turn to people we least expect to be there for us in times of angst and difficulty. In my case, it was my mother who was in town just at the right time. Be it sharing the little nuggets of wisdom she had accumulated over the years or just whiling away time painting each other’s toe nails, I realized that both of us as individuals were so different, but still had grown closer together. From the love-hate bond we had shared when I was younger, to the mutual respect and admiration we have now for each other, the relationship in itself had matured so much.

The early morning walks we took around the park were in absolute silence, but our minds couldn’t have been more in unison. One day, as we were walking around the park, a dog rushed at us, barking rapidly. I panicked and could feel my whole body stiffen in fear. Left to my own devices, I would have run helter-skelter to save my life. However, amma calmly held my hand and led me away from the barking dog, all the time, tightly gripping me and laughing about some joke she had heard the other day. After a few, very tense minutes, I looked her thankfully, and realized there were sweat beads glistening on her forehead too. In a moment of realization, I figured that she had been scared too, but, her motherly instincts made her protect me first and put her fear next. That incident taught me volumes about the love she had been so readily giving all these years, expecting almost absolutely nothing in return. It also taught me why her judgments had never gone wrong all these years - she had a calmness that never seemed to go away, even during trying times.

Another day, we were at the mall buying clothes, when she spotted an ice gola stand. The smile on her face widened, she made a beeline to the stall, and ordered the most complicated mix of ice gola. Even though she had become old, the child in her refused to die. Her love for things that were small and simple, was something I had also imbibed. It did not take too much to make her happy, powdered ice could do the trick.

When I look at the woman now, I realize that she has changed so much over the years. I can see her grey hair, I can sense her difficulty in getting up quickly due to a bad knee, and I can feel her exhaustion within minutes of any strenuous exercise. But, there are also a few things that have never changed in her at all - the twinkle in her eyes, her sense of humor, and her love that has become more encompassing over the years. She takes care of 11 kittens at home - calls them the funniest names possible (the latest batch of 5 are all named after my cousin sister's and my previous employers- Si'y, Via'is, Ab'z, Hib's and so on), feeds them diligently, and plays with them like they are her own children.

On her last day here, I was sitting quietly next to her, worrying about a million things inside my head. She put her arms around me and said, "Two more months here and you would have shifted to the city, and everything will be new again." Yes, amma, things would be different again in a few more months. I just had to count my blessings and life would be much simpler. Thank you :)

Yesterday...

I wake up to the annoying chirp of the birds. Did I say annoying? Make that exasperating. Yes, exasperating chirp of the birds. If only I had a gun. I take out my diary and note the date. It might mean nothing at all in a few years. It could fade into a memory that I would be reminded of occasionally. If only I could travel into the future. If only yesterday hadn’t happened.

Things I learnt in 2010

• Never try to surprise your pet cat from the behind, if you don't fancy scratch marks on every visible part of your body. Also, do not try to feed two cats at the same time, especially when they are hungry. Both of them cannot tell the difference between cat food and your finger.
• After a particularly emotional and melodramatic 'last' visit to your favorite haunt, when moving cities, do not end up there in a few days time again. Your friend whom your particularly insisted on taking you there for the dreaded 'final' visit will scoff at you. For the rest of your life.
• On your first night in a new, big, bad city, all alone, never try to become over-friendly with a roomie, in an attempt to fill the void. She will take it upon herself to give you company for every single waking minute of your life, even when you want some peace and quiet.
• When moving into a house of your own, do not bugspray a particularly large cockroach with half that bottle. It will turn out to be the 'only' black hairband you have and will have to go to office remotely resembling Medusa.
• Cooking oil poured on a pan still wet with water, can result in a splendid show of oil spurts all over the kitchen. Be prepared to scrub every tile for the next one hour.
• Try not to pass intelligent comments on how older men become desperate for dates, when writing an article on aging baby boomers. Your reviewer is unmarried and your article will promptly be returned to you with a lot of his intelligent remarks.
• When visiting relatives, do not address them with the secret nicknames you keep for them. Some of the names are not very flattering and you will never see the promised filter coffee.
• Do not try to be nice with a seemingly over-friendly Labrador. Yes, it will see you as a potential dinner target and fly at you.
• Never snoop into the chat logs of a very intelligent, good friend of yours. You can never see the friend in the same light. Ever again.

In totality, my year has been a mixed bag of emotions. I love my work and I have made a few hard decisions that I am very proud of. At the same time, there are several occasions where I almost gave up too. I am glad I stuck on and may I find the strength to stick to my guts in the next year too. I hope all of you have a great year ahead and also find the strength to do the most craziest things on the planet in the next year. Happy new year :)

Finally here again...

After a brief hiatus, yes I am back to do my bit in adding to the already vast amounts of junk on the Internet. The past two months have been one helluva ride. Finding a new house, getting adjusted to the orange walls, making friends with my neighbor who plops her baby right into my arms claiming that the barely-three-year-old misses the ‘Didi’ already…

Finding a shortcut to my office which is only five minutes away even in snail mode, icing up the lady who comes to clean to arm-twist her into cleaning properly, feeling the breeze softly nudging against the curtains, waking up to a shivery cold morning, clattering my way through in the kitchen to make a hurried breakfast/lunch…though not as fancy as they sound, they are the little drops of happiness I find in an almost solitary existence.

With an extended vacation in my home town coming to an end in a few more hours, now it is time to come back to the Orangeness… :P I know this trip has made changes that can never possibly become alright anymore. I cannot offer anything but a meek apology for all the hurt caused intentionally or unintentionally. I also understand that it wouldn’t change anything but it is the least and the best I can offer before I get buried under the pile of pending work that makes me shudder even when I am only thinking about it.

And another update would be on my cat’s wonderful ability to produce kittens like popcorn. They just keep popping out of her every three months. So the latest addition to our family would be the completely adorable four little kittens that keep meowing the whole place down.

Every morning when they greet me with their big round eyes full of optimism and joy, I remind myself - life is not all that bad after all… :)

Senile musings...

Equations change. Priorities too. Rejection comes easily. So do tears. On a cold dreary night, you look at the ceiling to wonder if you truly deserve all that you get. You are petrified about losing the crystal you posses. Afraid of breaking it into thousand pieces. Driven by your fear, it has rolled off to a furtive corner. Never can it be reclaimed. You long for it but do not want it either. You wish you could close the door, latch it tightly, and never look back.

You have moved on, the room has been rebuilt, but the crystal still remains, haunting you with its absence.

March...

Went on a trip. Made friends. Ate like a pig. Walked myself into a nasty tan. Gave exams. Watched a long-forgotten Disney movie. Missed school. Made truce with a cousin. Met an old buddy. Almost saw her cry. Went for a drive. Felt guilty. Attended a zillion weddings. Finished a book. Worked like crazy. Got a new lappie. Named it ‘Toshitop’. Tripped on my cat thrice. Finally opened up to a close friend. Cried and laughed together. Cried some more alone. Broke my umbrella. Became indifferent to reality. Explored a whole new dream world. Watched a Hindi movie. Was gruesome. Planned a surprise ‘send-off’ party. Called it the ‘go away’ party. Took a day off. Had a bad headache the whole day. Slept peacefully.