Happy New Year 2012 :)

Ah, finally 2011 is drawing to a close. Throw in extreme bad health, depression, travel exhaustion, loss of dear ones, parts of body broken, unemployment... Phew! Honestly, I am not going to miss it...Hope 2012 brings better tides. On that bright note, Happy New Year folks :)

To a wonderful friend...

As I walked into Sify nervously, during my fresher days, the apprehension and the worry I had would vanish in a jiffy, when I saw this tall, lanky guy, with his uncombed mop of hair, drinking chaai and laughing his heart out at some lame joke he had cracked himself. That was the quintessential Syed for you – carefree, obnoxious, and impossibly funny.

He was often spotted in several places around the office, but more often, perched on the desk, right next to his best pal Sathya’s computer. With his gelled hair, and a handkerchief tied around his wrist, he would look intimidating, but the mischievous glint in his eyes, would give his innocence away. From his pastel color shirts that would evoke a string of abuses from Gauthami (the most common one being, ‘Hey Syed, you look tootiful today’), to his sarcastic one-liners that would kill Ishwarya’s stories about her team, he taught us an important life lesson – never to take it too seriously. I still very vividly remember how he would endlessly mock Anusha’s habit of straightening her hair every few minutes and managing to piss her off completely.

During my endless late night hours at work, he would often stroll by, say something really nasty about the kind of work I do or how unproductive I was being, by working extra hours - of course, I would flare up immediately and say something equally nasty back and this would continue, until both of us laughed and went our separate ways. Now when I look back, I realize that it was his way of giving me a stress buster and teaching me to take a break.

Syed was every bit a person who actually celebrated his existence on earth. He would play practical jokes, laugh loudly, and strut around the office like it belonged to him. He was no doubt the show stealer in any group. When his pal Sathya got married, he waited patiently until all the girls with their expensive sarees walked on to the stage and then mercilessly sprayed foam all over the lovely ladies. The amount of physical and verbal abuse that followed still makes me laugh uncontrollably.

His niece, Alina meant the world to him. Sending us baby pictures and videos of her every other day, he would cherish every moment spent with her. There were several days when I couldn’t help but admire the wholesome love he had for her.

Syed was someone who could instantly lighten up a tense moment, liven up a boring party, and cause commotion. And to know that he is no longer around, saddens me to no end. But, keeping in mind his spirit and the yearning he had for everything cheerful and happy, I will remember all the fun times we have had together. I know he is in a better place now, he is still happy, and is probably driving someone else nuts in another world.

I do not think he can ever be fully gone – each time we think about a joke he cracked, a photo he sent, or a prank he pulled off, he continues to live life, indomitably on his own terms. May your soul rest in peace. We love you.

Another move...

In my ambitious effort to move on to ‘bigger and better things’, I just moved to Domlur. Of course, I can vouch for the ‘better’ but ‘bigger’ I have my own doubts. I just moved into a nice, little place with pink, cream, white, and blue walls – as opposed to the orange monopoly that was thrust into my face for the past year. I can’t really say that I miss the open spaces, eerily quiet nights, and absolute lack of human presence for days together, that Whitefield gave me – but I do miss it for everything else that shaped the last year up for me.

The new place is centrally located with plenty of supermarkets and eateries, well-connected to the rest of the city, and also is a very peaceful residential area. I live right next doors to a small temple, so I can hear the temple bells and the chanting of mantras all day long (shortcut to Moksha probably). Also, I have to cross a cow shed and a few cows too to reach the house – my dad took this opportunity to aptly name the place Jerusalem. Indeed, it does resemble Jerusalem, because there is such peaceful co-existence between the cows, the birds that peck them, the doggies that curl up next to the cows for some warmth, and a lone, stray, fearless cat that bosses the rest of the animals around.

Once I cross Jerusalem (holding my breath of course for better Nirvana), I can see huge trees with white and yellow flowers, the sole Banyan that graciously bears the playful squirrels scurrying across, little children playing on the roads, the gossip club with old ladies clad in long robes (often irreverently called a Maxi), the permanently parked water lorry with a man screaming in rapid Kannada, and the towering temple that somehow brings a sense of peace to the whole neighborhood.

Garbage disposal in Whitefield was a complicated mix of scientific mechanisms – flex your muscles and fling the bag as far as possible and into the clump of trees. Sometimes, it would hit a hapless dog scavenging through the muck, and in which case, you would have to run away as quickly as you can to avoid getting bitten. In Domlur, the disposal techniques are simpler and certainly less adventurous. The disinterested old man who lugs the trolley around hardly even cracks a smile.

No more waking up at seven and still making it to office at nine, no more going back home for lunch, no more gazing longingly at the house from the office window, no more running into the same people – but I know for sure that I will love this place as much as I loved Whitefield soon enough :)

Turning 24

24, an age that evokes an ‘Oh, you aren’t married yet?’ sympathetic response in all tambrahm households. In fact, this is also the favorite topic amongst the kanchipuram silk saree-clad maamis at ostentatious tambrahm weddings as well. I had the fortune to be at one a few months back, and needless to say, I had to come back home gasping for breath.

What was more shocking to most of these maamis was that the cousin who was getting married was a few months younger than me! Horrors of horrors…How could that happen? If not for the constant scratching I had to focus my attention to, thanks to the very itchy jute sari I was wearing, I would have gladly pounced at a few of these ladies. To add to the drama was an uncle of mine who accused me, “Girls can’t put too many demands like this. Good matches might just run out after a while” - and the so called ‘demand’ that I had put forth was that I didn’t want to go abroad; for the simple reason that I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life making rotis on a dependant visa, and not being able to work.

This, of course prompted my dear mother to immediately make a trip to an astrologer. The dimly lit room was filled with pictures of several gods and a huge poster of Agastya muni. Agastya’s palm had a yellow triangle coming out of it and ending in a yellow circle. Was he trying to teach geometry? Or was he advocating family planning?

In any case, any funny retorts that I was itching to say out loud were silenced by one deadly look from the mother. As the astrologer took his time, writing out predictions on a book, my dad started playing a game of Solitaire on his Notebook. Another piercing look from mommy resulted in the quiet disappearance of the laptop into its original position.

Finally the astrologer looked up and sighed very deeply. Apparently there was some very bad news. Saturn was revolving viciously around me and Uranus just decided to set up shop inside the eighth house on my horoscope. I couldn’t extract rent from that cheeky planet and I was in for a period of very bad innings. His gloomy voice predicted that I would be cheated by my own friends and get married to a complete prick if I was not careful.

I would cut my future husband up, pickle him, and probably eat him up too if I got married now. “Planet influence, what to do?’ he sighed dramatically again. He also casually mentioned that I could either get squashed under a bus or lose a limb if I was not careful. As I turned to look at my folks with mock-terror writ on my face, I could see actual-terror on theirs. I began rolling eyes and signaling towards the door, but no avail. Mom was fixated on his ’How to kill your daughter’ tips and could not be shaken.

Of course, they all came around after a few days, when he called us up to tell us that the Gods had ordered him to get basmati rice that weighed as old as I was (24 kilos), a golden thaali, and an astronomical figure as his guru dakshina – and as for me, I just look really carefully before I cross the roads. I don’t want to die under a rubber tyre, I would rather die in front of my own little garden, stroking my sleepy kitten, and reading a book... :)

:)

For the annoying jokes and all the fond cuddles… For shouting at each other and smiling secretly across the room… For making me go ‘Ugh. I hate you’ to ‘Wow, couldn’t ask for better’… For giving me dirty looks during a midnight birthday bash… For the time and the freedom I got to figure out what I wanted to do… For the painful ear tweaks for bad math and a pat on the back for something done right…. For showing me what true strength really meant in times of trouble… For all the warm welcome hugs, no matter how sweaty or dirty I was… For giving me time to nurse a heartache…For being cheerful and funny, no matter what part of the day… For being irritatingly judgmental…For being freakishly right about some things…For being open about mistakes made and the points scored…For all the efforts taken to give me a perfect childhood…

Happy father’s day… :) For the man who makes me want to kill him sometimes; hug him tight and never leave him at others - You are the best I could ever ask for…

I just realized....

...that I love myself :)

I was just clearing out my old mail from a long forgotten email ID and - wow what surprises it threw up. I was such a different person three years back. College projects that I so strongly believed that they would change the world, playing peacemaker between warring people in class, fighting depression myself… wow, somehow I seem to have lost that youthful stupidity now. The highly judgmental, bookish, biased opinions that I had a few years back make me cringe but also smile

I also happened to see a few mails I had forwarded to myself from my official ID when I resigned last year. All the congratulatory emails, awards, and praises that made me swell up like a bullfrog now make me laugh. I have always believed in hard work. Just as I used to burn the midnight oil for a 5 mark assignment in college, I still cannot sleep in peace, if I know I had turned in a crappy article at work. Now when I realize that all my efforts are now probably in some project manager's docket that is lying in the attic - I am forced to rethink.

So many emails and letters, flying back and forth between so many important and no so important people in my life - lashing out harsh judgments, counseling people, an occasional birthday wish, unmentionable crushes, the start of a new friendship, the sad ending….and each one of those emails made me smile. Smile and reflect on all the wise and stupid decisions I had made in the past. To cut the monologue short - Yes. I was uptight and serious, but that’s what I was and still am.

I may have given half a limb for an office assignment that meant nothing, but at least I tried. When I did get the credit, I knew I fully deserved it. I do have my weaknesses and a considerable share of mistakes, but these little imperfections define me more than my successes. Yes, I love myself :)

Maud Muller

Sometimes, when you realize that there is absolutely nothing to look forward to... there is possibly nothing that can change the quality of your life... nothing at all that can magically forward you into a 'looking back and smiling' reflective phase... the phone doesn't ring... the walls of your house echo your angst... you fight your tears away...a faraway cry reminds you of something that never was...

“For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been.' - from the poem "Maud Muller" by John Greenleaf Whittier

P.S: I hate this poet...he depressed me to no end. Read the full poem and spread the cheer :X

Little deeds of joy, little deeds of kindness...

It is surprising how we turn to people we least expect to be there for us in times of angst and difficulty. In my case, it was my mother who was in town just at the right time. Be it sharing the little nuggets of wisdom she had accumulated over the years or just whiling away time painting each other’s toe nails, I realized that both of us as individuals were so different, but still had grown closer together. From the love-hate bond we had shared when I was younger, to the mutual respect and admiration we have now for each other, the relationship in itself had matured so much.

The early morning walks we took around the park were in absolute silence, but our minds couldn’t have been more in unison. One day, as we were walking around the park, a dog rushed at us, barking rapidly. I panicked and could feel my whole body stiffen in fear. Left to my own devices, I would have run helter-skelter to save my life. However, amma calmly held my hand and led me away from the barking dog, all the time, tightly gripping me and laughing about some joke she had heard the other day. After a few, very tense minutes, I looked her thankfully, and realized there were sweat beads glistening on her forehead too. In a moment of realization, I figured that she had been scared too, but, her motherly instincts made her protect me first and put her fear next. That incident taught me volumes about the love she had been so readily giving all these years, expecting almost absolutely nothing in return. It also taught me why her judgments had never gone wrong all these years - she had a calmness that never seemed to go away, even during trying times.

Another day, we were at the mall buying clothes, when she spotted an ice gola stand. The smile on her face widened, she made a beeline to the stall, and ordered the most complicated mix of ice gola. Even though she had become old, the child in her refused to die. Her love for things that were small and simple, was something I had also imbibed. It did not take too much to make her happy, powdered ice could do the trick.

When I look at the woman now, I realize that she has changed so much over the years. I can see her grey hair, I can sense her difficulty in getting up quickly due to a bad knee, and I can feel her exhaustion within minutes of any strenuous exercise. But, there are also a few things that have never changed in her at all - the twinkle in her eyes, her sense of humor, and her love that has become more encompassing over the years. She takes care of 11 kittens at home - calls them the funniest names possible (the latest batch of 5 are all named after my cousin sister's and my previous employers- Si'y, Via'is, Ab'z, Hib's and so on), feeds them diligently, and plays with them like they are her own children.

On her last day here, I was sitting quietly next to her, worrying about a million things inside my head. She put her arms around me and said, "Two more months here and you would have shifted to the city, and everything will be new again." Yes, amma, things would be different again in a few more months. I just had to count my blessings and life would be much simpler. Thank you :)

Doing a good thing??

Usually when you do something good, or you believe it is good, you tend to feel good. You feel nice to know that you have made a difference. It could be anything from feeding a hungry dog to making amends. But, today, I realized that you need not always feel good when you do something that you believe is right. In fact, I feel perfectly miserable. Does that make it wrong? Only time will tell...

Robot? Really??

Just managed to watch Robot, the so called Superstar Rajnikanth masterpiece. If one superstar was not enough, there are hundreds of him towards the end. The movie thrives on this sole principle – an absolute lack of logic. I could even make peace with that. But, the Robot doling out the inevitable ‘Amma sentiment’ dialogue in the climax almost made me wish I had a pair of metal hands that I could use to squash my brains out.

If Issac Asimov had to watch this piece of monstrosity rolled out in the form of a superstar film, he will probably have to rewrite all his laws of ‘robatics’ ( yes, the Robot advises the mother to teach her son ‘robatics’ in the end). Because, Rajni Robot can bash up a bunch of rowdies in a train compartment effortlessly, but also get destroyed with a few swishes of an ordinary pickaxe. Robot Rajni can talk to mosquitoes and make them say sorry to Aishwarya Rai, but becomes blinded if you flash a mirror at him.

And I almost forgot to mention the evil red chip that can make a friendly robot turn into a destructive robot. That was the heights of brilliance, treating a robot like a tape recorder that can play good music and bad music. Aishwarya Rai has become old and should stick to roles that suit her wrinkles. She cannot pass off as a college girl anymore. Period.

Ok, I agree the graphics were definitely classy for an Indian movie. After the likes of Krissh and Hiss, such efforts should definitely be lauded. The ‘Happy Diwali folks’ sequence made me squeal (literally) with joy.

I understand, going to a superstar movie and expecting a sensible string of events is far fetched, but the least you expect is some sense. I have enjoyed the trademark Superstar antics in a lot of his previous movies and I am an unabashed fan of his, but stupidity in the guise of sci-fi is just off-putting. I prefer the simple, hard-working, rags to riches Paalkaran or Padaiyappa to a metal-loving, weirdo scientist and his equally dim-witted Robaatic creation.

Yesterday...

I wake up to the annoying chirp of the birds. Did I say annoying? Make that exasperating. Yes, exasperating chirp of the birds. If only I had a gun. I take out my diary and note the date. It might mean nothing at all in a few years. It could fade into a memory that I would be reminded of occasionally. If only I could travel into the future. If only yesterday hadn’t happened.

Things I learnt in 2010

• Never try to surprise your pet cat from the behind, if you don't fancy scratch marks on every visible part of your body. Also, do not try to feed two cats at the same time, especially when they are hungry. Both of them cannot tell the difference between cat food and your finger.
• After a particularly emotional and melodramatic 'last' visit to your favorite haunt, when moving cities, do not end up there in a few days time again. Your friend whom your particularly insisted on taking you there for the dreaded 'final' visit will scoff at you. For the rest of your life.
• On your first night in a new, big, bad city, all alone, never try to become over-friendly with a roomie, in an attempt to fill the void. She will take it upon herself to give you company for every single waking minute of your life, even when you want some peace and quiet.
• When moving into a house of your own, do not bugspray a particularly large cockroach with half that bottle. It will turn out to be the 'only' black hairband you have and will have to go to office remotely resembling Medusa.
• Cooking oil poured on a pan still wet with water, can result in a splendid show of oil spurts all over the kitchen. Be prepared to scrub every tile for the next one hour.
• Try not to pass intelligent comments on how older men become desperate for dates, when writing an article on aging baby boomers. Your reviewer is unmarried and your article will promptly be returned to you with a lot of his intelligent remarks.
• When visiting relatives, do not address them with the secret nicknames you keep for them. Some of the names are not very flattering and you will never see the promised filter coffee.
• Do not try to be nice with a seemingly over-friendly Labrador. Yes, it will see you as a potential dinner target and fly at you.
• Never snoop into the chat logs of a very intelligent, good friend of yours. You can never see the friend in the same light. Ever again.

In totality, my year has been a mixed bag of emotions. I love my work and I have made a few hard decisions that I am very proud of. At the same time, there are several occasions where I almost gave up too. I am glad I stuck on and may I find the strength to stick to my guts in the next year too. I hope all of you have a great year ahead and also find the strength to do the most craziest things on the planet in the next year. Happy new year :)