I don't

Yesterday, for the first time in 25 years, I was judged for who I am not. I was forced to be apologetic for who I am. I was expected to hang my head in shame for doing something that kept my conscience in the clear. I was hated for standing my ground. I was not loved any more for actually making something of myself instead of sitting inside kitchens. And I resent it. I completely resent it. If this is what it takes to 'settle down' and actually 'start living', then maybe it is not worth it. Do I really need a 'social event' to validate my success or show to the world how happy I am? I don't. 

March...

Went on a trip. Made friends. Ate like a pig. Walked myself into a nasty tan. Gave exams. Watched a long-forgotten Disney movie. Missed school. Made truce with a cousin. Met an old buddy. Almost saw her cry. Went for a drive. Felt guilty. Attended a zillion weddings. Finished a book. Worked like crazy. Got a new lappie. Named it ‘Toshitop’. Tripped on my cat thrice. Finally opened up to a close friend. Cried and laughed together. Cried some more alone. Broke my umbrella. Became indifferent to reality. Explored a whole new dream world. Watched a Hindi movie. Was gruesome. Planned a surprise ‘send-off’ party. Called it the ‘go away’ party. Took a day off. Had a bad headache the whole day. Slept peacefully.

I enjoy

• Examining my fingers after a long bath. The fading wrinkles on the fingers effortlessly forward me to the way they would permanently look in future.
• Watching the languid bus depot from my bedroom window, enjoying the breeze playing on my hair, till I feel a tinge of pain on my nose after pressing it too hard against the iron grills.
• The irrepressible tears that come out involuntarily after listening to 'Kwaja mere kwaja' from Jodha Akbar and BJ's ' Bhavayaami Gopalabalam' set in the Yemen Kalyani raaga.
• The relief and gratefulness for the first serve of food on a grumbling empty stomach.
• Taking a quiet walk from Bessy to Adyar any day, any time.
• The divinity of a roadside makeshift temple.
• The references that I unconsciously make to my own life while reading a book.
• Lethargically turning my head in response to the wave of fresh cool air in the office atrium.
• Walking home through the chaos and confusion of a busy road.
• Nostalgia when shopping at Nilgiris that plays Kishore Kumar songs on a full blast.
• Loneliness at the relative quiet of my apartment after I shut the door.
• Brimming tears after spicy Sāmbhar at the Murugan Idly shop.
• Heaviness after crushed expectations.
  I enjoy :)

Haaapy New Yeeeer!!!

Happy new year all ye folks. Have a wonderful year ahead. 2008 was pretty eventful for me. Highs and lows. Elation and grief. Triumph and failure. Life and death. Learnings and un-learnings.

I have also learnt that when life seems dark and murky, and nothing seems to go right, the only thing that can save you is belief. An indomitable belief in yourself. This reminds me of a poem by Robert Frost.

“I'd like to go by climbing a birch tree~

And climb black branches up a snow-white trunk

Toward heaven, till the tree could bear no more,

But dipped its top and set me down again.

That would be good both going and coming back.

One could do worse than be a swinger of birches."

-Robert Frost.